My mom was always a very musically inclined person–not only she was a gifted musician who played several instruments (the guitar, the French horn, and the flute, to name a few), but she also just loved listening to a variety of different bands and musicians across genres. My mom passed on her love for Cat Stevens, Simon and Garfunkel, Queen, and “oldies” to me. So many of my memories of her and my childhood are infused with the sounds of her and my dad’s music blaring the speakers in the living room or the old Pontiac Bonneville.

And music continues to be one of the strongest threads that connect us to who my mother was before the illness started to take over. The minute you turn on the Solid Gold Oldies station, she is singing, clapping, snapping, and stomping. And her clarity seems to improve almost instantly. She is more engaged, more happy, more alive than she was just minutes prior.

This morning I spent a few hours with her before my grandmom came to pick her up. We listened to oldies and I sang along (loudly and badly) while she whistled and snapped along (in proper rhythm, I might add). The highlight was when “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” started playing. Not only was she really into it, but she was also making it very obvious that she found my falsetto questionable (a fair observation).

It was nice to share a laugh with her and realize that you can still find happiness and normalcy in situations that, on the surface, seem like they leave no room for such luxuries.

Plus, it just seems like the perfect complement for springtime weekend ride alongs. (And Parr, something tell me this one would be especially perfect for you )

I didn’t really know anyone else there (I was the only one from my school who went that year), and I remember wandering around, trying to make small talk with the other kids. Everyone there knew other people, and although everyone was friendly, they all had their long-time friends and teammates to keep them company. No matter how eager I was to make friends, small-talking over the blaring music was not going to permeate these pre-established bonds.

But the minute the song came on, we all instinctively started thrashing around, screaming the words at the top of our lungs. And I distinctly remember  feeling that, in that moment, I belonged wholeheartedly, which at 14, was a pretty big freaking deal.

Here I am, 16 years later, and every time this song comes on the radio, I’m instantly transported to that loud auditorium, being shoulder to shoulder with a slew of gawky, sweaty teens all reveling in the moment of finally feeling capital-C Cool (despite, you know, being at a public speaking competition).
Anyone else out there have any songs that help transport you to certain moments in time?

To be specific, Jean was my dad’s 2nd cousin–she was also a mother, a wife, a grandmother, an aunt, and a teacher for many, many years. Jean was a tough and funny woman who didn’t mince words and who made sure she let you know exactly what she wanted. And her funeral proved no different: Jean knew she was dying (the  pancreatic cancer she had was aggressive), and she knew how she wanted her send off to go. So, true to herself ’til the end, instead of leaving any detail left undone, she outlined her exact specifications for the day–how she wanted to service to be, what songs she wanted played, the fact that she wanted no eulogy.

And although the occasion was still terribly sad, I couldn’t help but smile knowing that, even in death, Jean made sure things were done exactly as she saw fit. It left her family no room to worry, or wonder–no fear that they were doing her an injustice in her final recognition: instead, they could take comfort knowing that they carried out her final wishes exactly as she wanted them.

When we went to my brother’s after the services, we kept most of the conversation light–there was enough self-reflection and mourning in the days leading up to her funeral and we had already settled into that quiet exhaustion that comes after saying goodbye. But as we sat around the table, we started talking about the different funerals and services we’ve all been to throughout the years and the ones that we “liked” best. My brother noted how he found the most comfort from my grandfather’s funeral, where those in attendance shared memories of him as a way to honor his spirit and to remind us of the happier times.

I admitted that I often think about what we’ll have to do when our parents pass and how we can best celebrate their lives, and how I thought that kind of a send-off would be so important when my mother passes. I know that sounds terribly morbid, but it’s a reality that everyone has to face, and considering that my mom’s health has pretty much been the focal point of my life for the past 8 years, it’s also a bit inevitable that it’s top-of-mind for me. And for that reason–and because my mom has not been herself for so long–the idea of sharing our most beloved memories about her seems so important.

I am constantly reminded of how cool my mom was and how much she influenced who I am. Just today, for example, I was driving to work when Queen came on the radio and as I turned that shit up and rocked out, I remembered how it was she who first introduced me to them: I was about 11 and on my way to my soccer game, feeling particularly nervous. My mom, sensing my apprehension, told me that I needed to find music to motivate me, to help get me pumped. She pulled out her Queen’s Greatest Hits cassette and played “Another One Bites the Dust” full blast as we drove to the field, and though I tried to play it cool with her, I couldn’t help feeling incredibly cool as we drove along.

Or on Sunday, when I was making her breakfast, I remembered how she used to make me pancakes on the weekends, shaped like the letters of my name. After starting with my first name, S-A-R-A, she decided to get really ambitious and went for the last name, too (a pretty impressive feat, considering it was 10 letters long and included a W).

And even now, the artists that my mom once used to soothe her children–Cat Stevens and Simon & Garfunkel–have become some of my brother and my favorite background music for when we’re working around the house or cooking (or, our go-to to help soothe my mom if she’s having a difficult day).

These recollections push us forward; they help us cope with the daily heartaches that come with losing her a little more–these bittersweet remembrances reminds of who she was, and how she still lives on within us and, ironically, within our memories.

1. NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge

Just because I haven’t been writing on here doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing. In fact, just last week, I spent several hours crafting my story for the first round of the NYC Midnight Short Story Challenge. And a challenge it certainly was, but it was also hella fun and a really great way to stretch my creative limits (even though I was initially a little overwhelmed by the challenge–writing a fantasy story about an astronaut going fishing. What?). It took a little bit to get into the story writing, and the last day of the first round of the competition was a bit grueling (for me and poor D who had to deal with me in my frustrated writerly state), but I finished the story just in time (literally submitting it at 11:59 pm, exactly to the minute of when it was due), and was able to feel damn good about it. Even if I don’t end up advancing to the next round, I’m really happy for the lessons this competition has already taught me and I feel proud that I stuck with it, despite the many times I thought, “meh–maybe I just *won’t* do it after all…)

2. Downton Abbey

The same week I began working on my story, D and I began watching Downton Abbey (I’ll leave it to you to see the correlation between the simultaneous last-minuteness of my story completion and the full consumption of the show’s first season in the same week). I’ve been hearing people talking about this show for a while, and finally decided to give it a spin. Definitely glad I did. Overall, the characters are complex, the narrative pace is steady, and the storyline offers the right amount of historical context and character focus. I also like how the characters are overly dramatized–although each one has his/her own unique personality with traits that make some characters more likable/sympathetic to others, they’re not made to be cartoonish by making them either “good” and “bad.” You’re able to appreciate how each person operates within their social status and how that affects who they are and why they react/respond to situations the way they do.

Bottom line: If loving period piece British drama on PBS is wrong, I just don’t want to be right.

Look how serious and British they are…

3. Roller Derby

This probably isn’t a surprise to some of you who are familiar with my blog or my ongoing pursuits with the sport. After taking 8 months off to get my life sorted, I decided to go back. And I’m so happy that I have. When I left last year, there were just too many uncertainties swirling in my life to try to focus on my abilities there. And although I don’t regret taking the break–I think it was very necessary at the time–I couldn’t stop feeling like I wasn’t really “done” with derby. It was hard for me to talk about my derby experience in the past tense, and I oddly kept dreaming about playing. And with the encouragement of some incredible friends and my husband, along with being inspired by a lot of positive changes my team had made since I had stopped playing, I went back at the end of January. As with anything, there’s a lot to learn and a lot to still accomplish, but if there wasn’t, what would be the point of it, right?

4. Being Domestic

After 2 years of being in flux with our living situation–maybe almost moving to a new apartment, almost moving to a new house, and dealing with every incompetent realtor along the way, D and I have finally decided to embrace living at my parents’ house. This was not an easy decision, but it’s the decision that makes the most sense and, as we begin to work on updates and improvements to the place, it’s the one that I think is best for us. I think I’m finally over being angry that my life plan got changed without me really feeling in control of it, and I realized that just about everyone in my life was in the same boat. Nobody wanted my mom to have Alzheimer’s, and nobody really has a script for how to best handle this situation. The idea of not living in the town I grew up in was so hardwired within me that I couldn’t move past it–I could not believe or accept that I could be happy or feel successful moving back home and being back in this place. But my point of view and the town I live in has been changing. There are many signs of exciting progress here and sure, it might not be Philly, but Philly will be there whenever I want or need it to be. I unfortunately cannot say the same is true about my parents. So, we’re here and you know what? I’m happy about it. We’re slowly making changes to the house and I’m excited to be working on projects that help me and D feel like this house is also ours.

So, those are just some of the things going on with me.

What’s been up with you, dear friends and readers?

I found Crystal Fighters back in the fall (and actually thought I already posted this), and have been listening to this song pretty obsessively in random spurts. I’ve had a bit of a hiatus with it recently (mainly preoccupied with other tunes and since I’m not as in love with the rest of the album as I am this song, it tends to mainly get played on repeat for about an hour or as part of one of my playlists).

But yesterday when D and I were cruising around, running errands and enjoying the beautiful weather, he put me in charge of the music since he was driving. I pulled this one up right away and it just felt like the perfect background music for the ride.

This song has a very fun and almost dizzying tempo and it kind of reminds me a bit of Iko Iko. To me, the lyrics like the dizzying sense of relief and elation–that feeling of finally reconnecting with someone or something that you thought might have been lost forever. I guess that’s why it pairs so well with spring for me–even though this winter wasn’t as brutal as others have been in the past, there is always a point in the season where it seems like you are about to hit your limit–as if your body cannot take anymore darkness and cold and bareness. This song feels like the realization of spring, the light at the end of the tunnel, the soundtrack for the first official drive of the season.

Do you have any favorite songs to welcome in spring? Or favorite roadtrip songs?

Since about Sunday (when I realized how crazy this week was going to be), I have been focusing on today as being the “finish line”–the last day of true obligation before I could finally have a quiet weekend. I have been fantasizing about today, thinking how wonderful it will be to come home and put on fleece everything and not talk to a soul for 12 hours. I have been dreaming about cleaning out my closet and trying out some new recipes for an article I plan to write. I’ve been excited to participate in the Short Story Challenge 2013, which starts tonight. But most of all, I’ve been excited to not have to travel more than 5 miles to accomplish any of these things (it’s safe to say my 100+ mile-a-day commute is wearing on me a bit…).

Although I still have a lot of things keeping me motivated, I hate feeling like I’m rushing through life, just “getting by” until I can get to the things I want to do. Every day is a choice; every day is an opportunity to be happy and to do great things, and I try my best to keep that in mind, even on the days when it’s not as easy to remember, but sometimes that works best in theory.

Last night, I initially set my alarm for a very ungodly hour in the hopes of getting up to exercise, since it didn’t end up happening last night like I had hoped. Within 2 seconds of it going off in the pitch blackness of the very early morning, I knew that my body was NOT feeling it. I’m sure I could have pushed myself, but being that I’ve been doing that a lot lately, I decided to just reset my alarm–not only for later, but for a little later than I usually get up. Now that I’ve reached my goal of making it to today, I guess I figured I could get away with half-assing it–my plan was to basically muddle through ’til the closing whistle blew–and why not start that off right by sleeping in late?

I was able to get back to sleep pretty quickly after initially resetting my alarm, but about 45 minutes before the 2nd alarm sounded, I found myself lying in bed, unable to sleep, but unwilling to wake the hell up. I was mentally trying to prepare myself for the day, basically just trying to convince myself I could get through it and it would be over and then I could finally get to the things I wanted to do.

As I was giving myself this internal “pep” talk, I started to become a bit more aware of my surroundings and realized it was awfully bright in the room. Figuring D left a light on before rushing out the door, I finally opened my eyes, annoyed at the inconvenience, until I realized it wasn’t the light I expected…

A beautiful orange glow streamed from behind the curtains and covered the bedroom in soft light. I immediately jumped up to get a better look, and got to see the last few minutes of the incredibly gorgeous sunrise happening right outside my window.

I grabbed my phone and ran around the house, trying to find the best location for a photo. I ran outside in my socks and robe to make sure I could get the best view possible. And as the sudden shock of cold air hit my skin, I felt–well, first I felt damn cold–but then I felt a bit invigorated. I felt alert and alive and grateful to have witnessed this. And then I felt thankful that we don’t have any neighbors too close by…

So, alright, universe, I get it: I won’t just “push through” today to get to the things I want to do later. I won’t just “muddle” through–I’ll give this day all I’ve got, and l’ll appreciate the day for its beauty and its potential and I will keep my eyes open to these things. You always have a way of pleasantly surprising me, so why should today be any different, right?

Is there any music you’ve been especially enjoying recently? I’d love to hear about it in the comments section!