I Am Not a Jedi

I’ve been meaning to write (this time I swear), but I’ve been in such a weird place/mental funk, that I’ve been trying to avoid the blog altogether. I know that doesn’t really help me or the blog at all, but fortunately my schedule has been equally insane, so I haven’t had as much time to dwell in my murky mood, at least not on the internets. (more…)

After doing not one, but two back-to-back yoga classes after a 2-week hiatus, I was feeling pretty good about myself, about life. An old friend joined me for both classes and we got to catch up a little outside class. I heard some good road tunes on the drive home–my endorphins were high and felt damn good. Nothing could touch me as I made my way to my apartment, to my husband, the shower, the bed.

And then I saw the sign in the elevator. (more…)

For the most part, I consider myself a realist, maybe to a fault. (more…)

So, I’ve been in a bit of a funk for the past few days. There’s nothing in particular that has me “down,” but I just can’t shake this overall “blergh” feeling. (more…)

It almost seems inevitable that Mondays will induce a “case of the Mondays”–sluggish behavior, frustration, sensitivity to less-than-ideal situations. Most Mondays, I am willing to accept this and am almost more accommodating to the bullshit, because this day of the week is the universal day of “I don’t want to be doing what I’m doing right now.” There is a solidarity to it, a sort of zen. I can usually coast through Mondays with that global reassurance and an extra cup of tea.

But today was just not one of those days. Today I had a massive case of the OMFG-NO-FAIRS, coupled with I SHOULDN’T EVEN BE HERE TODAY. (more…)

I am often amazed when the people around me make life decisions so effortlessly, or at least it seems effortless. This one is buying a house; this one is having a baby. Even refinishing a deck is a marvel of otherworldy knowledge to me. (more…)

I’m currently working on my latest work project: getting articles pre-written for a nursing conference my group will be covering in DC next week.

Right now I’m writing up bios for committee members, essentially reading their CVs and their mission statements about why being a nurse is so important to them.

I can’t help but feel a little sad while working on this. Before getting sick, my mom was an RN for 20+ years. She loved her job and loved working with people and loved giving nursely (yeah, I made that word up) advice. (more…)

As I watch the clock inch closer to 2 a.m., I am Googling “Meditation and Relaxation music” as I curse myself for not drugging myself with Nyquil earlier.

I’m beginning to realize that sleeplessness is an ongoing issue for me and I’m beginning to wonder if I need to completely change  my system/approach to life. I cannot keep running on empty and physically and emotionally crashing. By Friday last week I was sick and slept for the  majority of the weekend, canceling plans and dragging my arse for 3 days. I ended up calling out of work yesterday because I just could not properly function.

I’m supposed to be up in 4 hours and on my way to Baltimore for a client meeting. I have to be well dressed, well groomed and brilliant. The likelihood of anything of that diminishes with each minute that falls away from my potential sleep time and moves closer to my alleged awake time.

Does ANYONE out there have useful tips for a person who has major sleep issues and needs a whole life overhaul?!?! I am now understand why it’s so important to implement a regimented sleep/life routine in children. I will happily blame my parents for these deep-rooted issues.

While I lay in bed for more than an hour, trying all the tricks I’ve learned/been recommended throughout the years, I just kept trying to figure out the best ways to erase the last 26 years of bad habits. Reverse psychology did not work (You’re not tired. Just get up….you want to get up…). Neither did quiet meditation (there is always *something* that makes me want to move/break focus). Counting. Listening to music. Listening to nothing. Breathing differently. Holding my breath. Refusing to open my eyes. Forcing myself to keep my eyes open until I want nothing more than to shut them.

Now I’m listening to weird techno remixes of songs that have nothing to do with relaxation or meditation. Unless I was trapped in a Mortal Kombat video game. (I actually think this might be the Mortal Kombat song. WTF?!)

Why didn’t I take the Nyquil??

I love how I come back from vacation and life has taken back over, full fucking force. (more…)

The romantic in me would like to think that I’ve been up since 2 a.m. because somehow my body is set to the time of another place–some exotic far away city– Paris, maybe, or Barcelona?–and that somehow it is acting out the life I am supposed to be living. I am not awake to be hunched over the computer, trolling the internets waiting for sleep–I am supposed to be picking up the local paper (written in a language I suddenly am able to read), eating croissants and strong coffee. (more…)