Although a slacker/procrastinator, I’m also a perfectionist. If I’m involved in a project that involves leadership, I am the leader. If it’s something creative, I go all out in creating. I take art and aesthetic very seriously, even if it’s a simple stupid construction paper and magazine cut out collage. This doesn’t always mean what I produce is fantastic, but, well, it’s the best I’ve got.
Along the way, I’ve tried to change. Nobody like working with the asshole control freak. I don’t like being the asshole freak. I want to make art or creativity or any other project people are assigned to do with me a fun and exciting experience for all.
When I got asked to work on the bulletin board at work, I was legitimately excited about it. Call me a dork, but I really enjoy that kind of thing. A coworker and I paired up for the challenge and started dreaming away all the things we could do.
But between the insanity of actual work, my schedule and the other girl’s, and all general life things, all our planning and brainstorming got left until today to make into a masterpiece (it’s updated monthly…). So, we did our best to put things together and hurriedly put it together after lunch (we were busy in the a.m.) and before her 3 p.m. meeting.
The results were OK. I think we hit all the bases we needed and put a lot of interesting stuff up, but because we were rushed it got a little haphazard/sloppy. I found myself at moments wanting to freak out, and totally make it perfect, but I was able to step back and say, “It’s a bulletin board. At work. It’s OK.” Plus, I really get along with my coworker and why stress her out to satisfy my neurosis? Beyond that, we were having fun, so isn’t that what it’s really all about?
I was a little nervous walking away from it because it wasn’t “perfect,” but within minutes, people were ogling it, laughing at the responses we got to our questions. I think most people were excited that something new was up (it had been laying dormant since the summer…).
So, I was happy with my decision to consciously not be a control freak. I was proud of myself for taking the steps to “go with the flow” and to just enjoy something instead of having to take complete ownership for it and make it a total chore.
And then, about 10 minutes later, I ran into someone who wanted to tell me what they didn’t like about the job we did. And then I got pissed.
The thing that’s really gets me is that every time I’ve made the conscious decision not to care, I’ve then been confronted by someone about it. If I try to be “hands off,” it bites me in the ass, or someone ends up criticizing the final product. Once, I went on a trip with some friends and decided, after being super anal during planning, I would simply “enjoy the ride” when we got to our destinations. The friends then became suspicious and felt I was far too helpless/couldn’t handle traveling. I once helped plan an event with people I didn’t know very well, and in order to not come off as domineering, I let other people handle large aspects of the planning. This totally blew up in my face and I later learned that one of the people involved (who severely dropped the ball on numerous occasions) said they didn’t think I could handle my responsibility, which caused for the event to not go as planned.
Now, I will certainly not argue the things I’ve been called out for that I’m not good at: basic math, keeping my patience, getting to work on time. I am a woman of bountiful faults, of this I am sure. But I also know the things I’m good at. Planning, leading, and controlling, for better or worse, are among those things. I’m not saying these are the greatest qualities, but citing these attributes wouldn’t surprise the people in my life.
I just don’t understand why I always end up with these affirmations for why I should be a control freak. Is this God’s way of telling me it’s who I’m meant to be? Is this my Holy calling, like what Jonah or Noah experienced? Is this my destiny, my ark?