leaves fall; colors, situations change.

I don’t know why, but every winter a button falls off my coat and I say I will get it fixed, but the time never seems right because I continue to need my coat. Then I say that I will do it at the first hint of spring–the first full week that it’s clear my winter coat is no longer needed. But I don’t. I haven’t for the past 5 years and so now I have exactly 3 winter coats missing buttons and one with a broken zipper. I foresee me wearing all of these still.

Some things change, like the seasons, but others like the fact the missing buttons remain missing, do not.

I’m back to not sleeping, or at least not sleeping well. I think it might be the weather, at least that’s what everyone else is saying and so I agree. I’m wondering if the “weather” is just code for the things we all are collectively thinking about: things we could have done or shouldn’t have; dreams we lost or let slip away. Maybe it’s the I-wonder-whethers (I wonder whether I could have gotten into Harvard; I wonder if I told her I loved her whether she would have stayed…) that are truly getting us all down.

I have completely fallen out of love with most of the place to eat around my workplace. This has caused more despair than one can imagine. Determining lunch plans has become just as daunting as planning for every other hour of the workday and most times, the payoff is just not there. You can only find so much joy in a  6-inch tuna sub from a Subway or eating sushi from a place that oddly smells like your childhood preschool.

I have officially not placed in one of the writing contests I entered and I unofficially did not place in the other. I believe official word will come tomorrow. I’m currently generating the motivation to try, try again.

My grandfather’s been dead for more than 8 years and I have not had the strong desire to visit his grave until when I visited my parents last week. It was a warm fall afternoon and the blue sky against all of the green and brown farmland just looked so goddamn beautiful. I thought it was the kind of day he would appreciate.

I have been smoking more regularly again and thinking more regularly about quitting. The idea appeals to me until I want another cigarette. I started watching Intervention, which ironically is kind of addicting, and I noticed that these people have similar issues with their bad habits. And then it makes me wonder if it would be possible to go to rehab for smoking, but then I figure that would be the equivalent of going to maximum security jail for ripping Metallica tunes off Napster. They’d probably pay the guards in cigarettes to turn the other way while they beat me to death with a broom stick for being a pussy. But hey, guess what? You can’t get cancer from heroin, bitches.

My spell check does not recognize Metallica nor Napster. I bet my 16 yr old cousin wouldn’t know what Napster is either.

I’ve taken to drinking flavored seltzer water in lieu of soda. The carbonation gives the illusion of a bad-for-me drink so I still feel satisfied. I’ve been bringing one to work with me in the morning for the past couple weeks and I can’t help but wonder if my surrounding cuberhood might think I’m cracking open a beer. If they knew me at all, they’d know I only drink beer in bottles when I’m at work.