nowhere to go but up.

The past month has been a trying one–one filled with a lot of transitions and change; a lot of heartache, of reflecting on the past, and thinking about the future. About a week ago, I stood bawling in my living room, while my dad did his best to comfort me,”Don’t worry–it’ll get better from here.”

“Yeah? How can you be so sure?” I challenged.

“Because this is rock bottom, kid.”

This idea actually made me laugh. I had not considered that I was hitting “rock bottom,” or that I anywhere near it–in fact, I was pretty sure I had climbed out of that spot a few months before, and that I was making tremendous progress on my life path. But here I was, blubbering away, feeling completely lost and helpless. Yep, I thought to myself, perhaps this isย rock bottom.

I can’t explain why, but the recognition of that fact was such a strange relief–like, OK, so this sucks, but there is a way to bounce back from this. Realizing that I hit a low point made me reflect on why I felt this way, and exactly howย I got here. It also made me take very deliberate steps to pull myself out of that feeling. And I can’t tell you how tremendously stronger I already feel, how much more intact my sense of self is now than it was even a week ago. I know I have a long way to go from here, but this is an encouraging first step.

Life is funny–the way things play out, the way we all stumble and fall, but feel so damn embarrassed to admit it, as if we are the only ones who’ve stood in front of the mirror and thought, “What the hell am I doing with myself?” As if we’re the only ones who’ve wondered “Will I ever get this right?”

I admit that I don’t like having to have moments where I feel that way, but I do appreciate how they humble me–how they not only make me reevaluate myself, but also everything else around me–the people I see, the world as it’s happening. It makes me appreciate the struggles that other people might be experiencing that are easy to judge and gloss over when I think I have my shit figured out. It forces me to once again appreciate the beauty of things I might not notice as intensely because it is easy to find beauty in things when you feel content. But being able to find beauty when the joy isn’t coming as readily–well, there’s something pretty special about that.

I think after this time ’round the kicking post, I’ve definitely come away realizing that I have a long way to go still, longer than I really realized. Admittedly, that’s slightly terrifying, but it’s also incredibly exciting. I am only get stronger from here; I have nowhere to go but up.

 

 

 

8 thoughts on “nowhere to go but up.

  1. Very powerful! Somehow you can put into words how I feel or have felt in the past. I read your post nodding my head the whole time.

  2. Although I’m not happy that you’ve experienced/are somewhat experiencing the same feelings, I’m glad it resonated with you in some way, Lauren! I hope that we both get to higher ground soon. We’ll have to have a drink together up there when we make it. ๐Ÿ™‚

  3. Cheers to that! But I wouldn’t be opposed to a few drinks with you while we climb ๐Ÿ˜‰

  4. You’re stronger than you think! Cheesy advice of the day: Enjoy the journey; don’t worry so much about the destination. I love you girl! xo

  5. This post really resonated with me. FWIW, I think there’s comfort in being familiar with the bottom; maybe not just sitting all the way down on the rock, but just being aware of your surroundings when you’re down there. As you said, we all stumble and end up there from time to time; if we can separate the disappointment/discouragement from the sense of being lost (as I think you have here), the climb back up can start sooner and feel less boundless.

  6. I’ve come to the conclusion that there is no “getting it right”. All you can do is focus on the joy, in whatever form it may take. And it sounds like you are on the right track there! And if you ever find yourself struggling, just remember cannolis are great for refocusing!

  7. Oh Sara… I have to say that I agree with what the first Lauren posted – I almost got whiplash from the nodding I was doing while reading this! I may not know exactly what you’ve been going through recently, but I can tell you that I can certainly relate as I’m sure almost everybody can. Let’s just say that certain events that took place in 2013 caused me to feel those same feelings of confusion, helplessness, etc as well as pushed me to a point where I had to reevaluate everything about my life. I can tell you that it’s obviously still hard at times and I have those certain days/weeks where I’m just like WTF is the point of all of this!? But your Dad is so right. Stay strong… you’re too awesome for things not to get better for you! ๐Ÿ™‚

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