This was initially going to be a post about how “off” and bitter I was at life today… I spent a good amount of the day sulking about things that weren’t really sulk worthy and being annoyed for no real good reason. I looked up info on grad schools and law schools and other jobs and wondered “what if…” and “what am I doing with my life?” I looked up all our credit cards and calculated how long it would take to pay them off. I looked up info on travel sites and pitied myself for knowing that credit cards cannot be paid off if trips are taken, and wondered which would be more beneficial in the long run. I read news articles about what makes people happy and what makes people sad and how whiny we’re all becoming and then I read all the whiny comments to negate or support that. I looked at people’s facebook pictures and lived vicariously through their peace corps missions and recent trips abroad or crazy fun nights out captured in 1,506 photos. I looked into writing contests and wondered if my thesis will ever get rewritten all the way. I heard another Elton John song on the ride home that made me wonder if I’ll ever be ready to have kids (“Daniel” had a really weird effect on me for a long time…). I weaved in and out of traffic and hit a couple potholes and cursed everything and prayed that this one wouldn’t be the one that would finally blow my tire out. I realized a half mile from the apartment that my gaslight would probably come on on the drive to work tomorrow and that tomorrow would be a horrible time to have to get gas because it is supposed to snow. Again. (Did I mention the significant amount of time I spent tracking the latest storm?)
I got home and could not get my park job quite right, but I was still in the lines so I gave up after a couple tries. Then I proceeded to write a slightly passive aggressive note to my neighbor in the parking lot, asking somewhat nicely to refrain from throwing his snow into my spot when he finally dug out his car because the last time he did that I could not park in my spot for days. I signed it with a “thanks,” at least.
These were the lower parts of the day. These were the ones I was exclusively going to write about.
But then I came home and D had already prepped dinner so all I had to do was cook them on the stove (butter bean burgers… delicious!) and we figured a good way to use the leftover shredded potatoes from the latkes (potatoes and red pepper hash–delicious!) We combined that with Arnold’s thin bread (thank you Nicole R. for the recommendation on that!) and I stuffed myself until I had a butter bean burger belly. We vegged and watched some “How I Met Your Mother” (the verdict is still out on that…) Later I called Amy S. who encouraged me with my rescue work after giving me a lot of good information/advice on how to get the rescue to where we want it to be and how to make the Hoppy Hour even better. This was a wonderful pick-me-up that I needed. Sometimes being involved in rescue is hard. It’s hard because it feels like an uphill battle. I guess anytime you really care about something that can be easy not to care about at all it is an uphill battle. But to talk to someone who “gets it” is good. It makes you feel less crazy, even when most people still think you are crazy. (You’d think I’d be immune to that by now). So all that, combined with Joe’s continuous “lop flops” while I’ve been typing away and I’m feeling better about today. I am grateful that I really like my job 95% of the time and really like the people I’m working with now; I am grateful that home is a place of comfort; I am grateful that the end of our debt is in clear sight; I am grateful that even though I feel very lonely sometimes, I am given reminders that I am not alone and that there are people worth a damn and who are still willing to give a damn. And this makes me feel happy. This let’s me know it’s OK to just let it be.