Where are you going? Where have you been?

A part of me is almost embarressed at how long it’s been since I’ve written a proper blog, especially since one of the last blogs I wrote was resolving to write in this blog every week, but as I sit here with more than half of 2012 already behind me, I think it would be nearly impossible for me to put into words most of this year, especially while it was happening.

In fact, that was exactly how I felt most of the time I attempted to even think about posting about whatever random things happened. There just hadn’t been enough time to really process the event, or the subsequent emotion that event brought on, before something else equally as impressionable happened. I think what made these events particularly difficult to write about were that there was no real clear line between whether they were “good” or “bad,” and it took a considerable amount of time and additional living to figure out what they meant for me overall.

I guess the easiest example of this was our brief stint as almost homeowners, followed then by being not homeowners. The story is a long and tedious one, but essentially it seems we have turned into the poster children for why getting a house can be more complicated in this post-housing bubble apocalypse, no matter how good you look on paper and no matter how easy a slick-talking realtor promises you it’s going to be. This experience also turned into yet another lesson of trusting one’s gut, and realizing that what you think you want is not always what you really want. (The mix of overwhelming disappointment and overwhelming relief when the final nail went into that dream’s coffin is a testament to that.)

One of the biggest things I’ve tried to take away from this year is that although there are things in my life that are challenging, I realize more and more each day that the more time I focus on my shit, the less time I am taking to admire other people who are dealing with their own personal pains and battles. Almost every day I am humbled by someone else’s story, by their quiet strength, and by their ability to live their life without anyone needing to know how difficult it might be to seem normal. I think in some ways, that’s kind of made me hesistent to write about my life, especially things with my mom. The more I’ve realized that other people are struggling with equally painful things, the more whiny I felt. Beyond that, my mom’s disease is beginning to move into stages where it’s difficult to discuss some of the things that are going on without potentially violating her privacy and dignity. A part of me wants to write about these new changes and developments, in the hopes of providing people with a greater understanding of this disease and also to maybe support those who might stumble upon this blog who are dealing with similar circumstances, but another part of me feels like I don’t have the right to make public her struggles, especially when she doesn’t have a choice in what information is being shared.

Right now in my life, and essentially for the last year, I have been trying to really figure out who am I–who I want to be. I’m trying to understand the relationships in my life and how they are important in shaping me and how I am important in shaping them. I’m trying to better prioritize how I spent my time–whether it be the activities to which I dedicate myself, the people to whom I devote my energy, or how I let these things influence or affect me. This all sounds like general living at its most mundane, but it oddly becomes so much harder to process when you really stop and force yourself to evaluate your choices and the motivations behind them.

So, while figuring all this out, I’m hoping to find my voice on this blog again, in whatever capacity makes sense for me now.

So, stay tuned, Internets… let’s see what happens next 🙂

2 thoughts on “Where are you going? Where have you been?

  1. I completely get this. I’ve been having a rough time for plenty of reasons, but more and more, I hesitate to talk about it anymore except for in very specific circumstances.

    With most people I find myself making light of what’s going on even with some good friends, when inside my head I’m kind of like, no, actually, it sucks a lot and I’m not really ok. But it’s hard to talk about that with someone else when everyone has their own really difficult shit going on, and I often feel that I’m just being more of a burden if I try to work out what I’m going through with other people. Particularly with people like my parents, who I really, really don’t want to worry about me any more than they naturally already do as parents. And I never want to discount what anyone else is going through either, because life is fucking hard for everyone. Just in different ways. And now more than ever, I completely recognise that. I think it makes me a slightly better/wiser person, but it can also be so depressing.

    Ughh, being an adult! The part where you can eat cheese for dinner if you damn well please is great, but the life-stuff part is SO DIFFICULT.

    Anyway, I miss you! I wish I had the money to take another crazy trip. Or even just to visit!

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